Reignite Your Relationship: Intimacy & Sexual Desire - A New Perspective
- Oberdan Marianetti
- Apr 16
- 4 min read
What if the key to reigniting your relationship isn't trying to recreate the past, but learning how to evolve your intimacy with time?
We continue our exploration of intimacy, and this week I’d like to delve a little deeper into its connections with sex.
We began this journey a few weeks ago when I started sharing my full answers to the interview on intimacy. You can catch up on the previous instalments through my earlier articles:
Today, alongside presenting my additional answers to their questions, I also want to remind you of a related article I wrote back in 2016 on rediscovering our sexual identity.
Let’s begin with a common question.
Does intimacy equate to sex and vice versa?
Many people mistakenly equate intimacy with physical intimacy, overlooking the broader richness of the term. While sex can be an expression of intimacy, the two are not the same. Intimacy encompasses a much wider range of emotional, psychological, and relational connections, of which sex is just one possible manifestation.
Is intimacy the same as the feeling we get when we first meet?
Movies, literature, and pop culture have popularised an idealised form of love, suggesting it’s the ultimate goal. This love is often associated with the early stages of a relationship, when we’re swept off our feet and driven by an insatiable desire to be with our partner, often in a romantic or sexual way.
While this is an important form of love that helps consolidate a new intimate relationship, it is not a sustainable form of intimacy. We must aim to develop it further to maintain a fulfilling and satisfying intimate relationship.
Doesn’t sexual desire always fade as a relationship grows?
As relationships become more familiar, many experience a loss of sexual desire and a need for greater distance from their partner. The sad truth is that we’ve been led to believe this is bad, wrong, and a sure sign that the relationship, as we knew it, is over.
While there’s some truth that what once was may no longer be, I strongly disagree that this phase signals the end of a healthy and enjoyable sexual relationship. The drop in desire is natural, largely driven by hormonal changes and evolving life circumstances. However, with the right attention and intention, it can evolve in a way that sustains healthy sexual intimacy.
How can couples rekindle intimacy and desire from the start of their relationship?
The intimacy and attraction we experience at the beginning of a relationship are not only the product of hormones but often shaped by unique life circumstances that later change.
Aging, children, major life changes (e.g., job, relocation, new home), health issues, and family losses are all part of life that most of us face, and they inevitably impact our intimate relationships.
Rather than focusing on rekindling the "honeymoon phase," which many of my clients tend to do, my recommendation is to focus on developing intimacy that aligns with our current life circumstances.
The "happily ever after" myth is one we often believe because it promises a deep, enduring love that sustains itself. But healthy relationships require effort, yes, effort, and it is often through challenges that we grow and heal together.
Is there such thing as “too much work”?
Most definitely, yes.
This question reminds me of the garden analogy. Imagine inheriting a garden that has been left unattended for years. Every corner is overrun with weeds and wild plants, and its former beauty is all but gone. The work required to restore it is substantial.
Any garden worth cultivating deserves the initial effort to bring it back to its former glory. Once that work is done, we have two options: 1) sit back and enjoy the garden until it needs our attention again, or 2) enjoy the garden and maintain it daily, ensuring it evolves alongside you and your relationship needs.
Couples who do the initial clearing and then focus on daily maintenance often experience better sexual satisfaction and deeper intimacy.
If you're ready to start that journey, I invite you to join me in a deeper exploration of intimacy through our Relate With Love retreat.
It’s not too late to take the first step towards greater intimacy in your life. Learn more below.
If you're interested in exploring some practical tips, take a look at my 2016 article on "Rediscovering Your Sexual Essence."
If you're unsure about the best way forward or have specific questions about your own relationship, get tailored insights and breakthroughs into how you can reignite intimacy and address any concerns you may have about your relationship’s current dynamics at our retreat or in therapy or through our intensive therapy programme. Explore our different offerings with a quick call with our team to understand the benefits of each programme.
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